Europe's simplest man

Had a Wetherspoon's lunch today.
We were short staffed so only me, Dom and Dave went to the pub.

Dom and a cheese pasty, chips and beans.

Said it was a 'school dinner' and he seemed to really enjoy it.

Had a weird smelling ale that he didn't finsh because he said it tasted like the smell.

Had a Tuborg to make up for it.

We were just talking about Live from Studio Five - the Channel 5 show with Ian Wright and 2 girls who shout their thoughts on current affairs over each other for half hour..

My favourite bit was when described Ian Wright as 'Europe's simplest man'"

Yesterday Dom asked me how often I change my jeans.

I said not that often and when I asked Dom he said: "Only when there's an odour or visible stain, like when I get drunk and rub curry in them."

In the same conversation he started talking about popular band The View.

"I can't understand why he's bragging about having the same jeans on for four days," Dom said.
"Four days! That's child's play."

An eight year old's guide to business

I've been out of the office for a while today and missed Dom having lunch.

He was enjoying a choclate and orange flavoured milkshake when I got back.
Said it tasted like someone had melted a Terry's Chocolate Orange into a carton.

He let me try some. It was nice.

He may have opted for a milkshake because he's been warm today.

There's a mini battle in the office over the heating system - the girls want the radiators up full and the air conditioner blasting out 30c air.
The boys are more or less happy with room temperature.

Dom pondered this morning as to whether there was a genetic reason to explain why girls are 'always freezing'.
"You don't exist in the same temperature sphere as us normal people," he said.


Dom was moaning about having to wash his own car earlier and asked why kids don't come round asking if you want your car washed like they we used to when we were young.
After a couple of minutes he put the blame on 'too many paedos'.

He said when he was eight him and a friend spent the day collecting blackberries to sell around the streets.

The business venture didn't go to well, it ended in them having a fight and going their separate ways because the friend wanted to sell them for 99p and Dom wanted to sell them for £1 because they didn't have change.

"He was like 'if we say 99p people will think it's much cheaper than a £1 - it's the first rule of business' "," Dom recalled.
"And I was like 'shut up, we're eight' ".


Just found out that Dom opted for Domino's today. He just had cheese and tomato pizza.
Kelly had to ring to order them because Dom didn't want to. Kelly ended up having to do a story so Dom ended up picking up two pizzas by himself under the name Kelly.


That'll teach him.


Been trying to do a story on Google Streetview - saw a woman moaning on a forum saying that between Facebook and Streetview we have no privacy.
She claimed that burglars could use Streetview to check out our houses for easy access and then use Facebook to see when we update our status about going away on holiday.

Dom had a simple solution for her problems.

"Don't add burglars on Facebook," he said.

Back after a short break

Firstly, apologies for the lack of a blog on Friday and Monday.
Reasons were a missing key and me having a day off without internet access respectively.

Had weekend food with Dom on Saturday which was nice.
We’d already had a few drinks so it was nice eating together without Dom worrying about what I was thinking and without me worrying that Dom was worrying what I was thinking.

We were out because we were watching a Smiths tribute band in the night – Dom still has bruised shins form the event – his voice is just starting to come back.

While we ate he told me about a video he saw of Zooey Deschanel covering a Smiths song – Dom has a bit of a thing for Zooey.

“I didn’t know what to do,” he said
“I wasn’t sure whether to cry or to take my trousers off so I did both.”


Dom had a Tesco sandwich today, we’ve got amazing vouchers for Domino’s but he couldn’t be bothered to walk there.
They entitle us to a 7” pizza for only a £1 up until June – we’ve discussed getting them laminated and wearing them around our necks.


Ian and Dom were just discussing the end of the world again.

Today’s theories involved the planet being taken over by lizards and a meteor strike.

Dom said he thinks he would have a better chance of surviving against the lizards but wasn’t sure if he could get away from them by driving a moped up a hill.

Ian asked him why he was so sure he could escape a meteor on a moped by driving up a hill.

“Because that boy did it,” Dom replied.
“In that documentary Deep Impact.”

Hey, hey. My, my...

Discussed stopping the blog yesterday.
Dom said I should stop it before people get sick of it.

He said he didn't think so many people would read it but also added that I should stop before it gets annoying.

"It's better to burn out than fade away," Dom said.

Ian said: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Dom said it's better to 'be a match than a lighter'.

He felt the need to explain this.

It was probably something about the blank look I had on my face crossed with me still humming 'Hey, Hey. My, My' after his first quote.

I get it now.

Went to the pub today. Dom had two pints of Brain's and a gourmet burger.
It looked huge but he finished it without complaint.

Talked about the first CDs or tapes we bought as kids.

Dom's was the single of Golden Eye and 2 Unlimited's album.

He also told us about buying a White Zombie tape in school.
He decided to give it a blast when he got back to his nan's.
He put it on, when his nan was still in the room, and 'More human than human' came on.
If you don't know the song you should quickly Youtube it and picture listening to it with your nan. Or just download it and listen to it with your nan on Mother's Day to get the full effect.

It basically features a woman making sex noises over a bass line.

Said he had to listen to it all because he didn't want to turn it off because that way he would be letting his nan know that he knew what it was.

Young Dom obviously didn't learn his lesson.

I know of at least two similar incidents.
He often talks about watching the sex scene in Trainspotting with his mam at a young age and the other involves watching Pulp Fiction with his mam.

During the scene with the gimp a fully aware Dom sat in an awkward silence while Marsellus moaned in the locked room.
As Bruce Willis was choosing his weapon Dom's mother said: "I wish he'd hurry up - they're going to beat him to death!"

Isn't it ironic? Or not...

Seems Dom is finally learning some lessons from the blog.
He went to Gregg's today and ordered a egg and bacon baguette without a side dish of sausage roll.
After Gregg's he usually moans that he's too full and he hasn't moaned that he's still hungry yet so I'm guessing he got the balance just right.
I know he opted for some Quavers too so they probably helped.

He said Quavers are the best type of food for him as they don't require chewing or swallowing. He sucks on them until the turn into mush and then just slip down his throat.

After saying this Dom said he needed his irony sign because they weren't his 'actual veiws'.

Dom doesn't have an irony sign - but he should.

Says he's worried because people take him seriously when he's being ironic and he is ironic a lot.


It's easy to see why irony confuses people.
Dom blames Alanis Morissette and he's right to do so.

Dying seconds after winning the lottery - not ironic.
Black fly in Chardonnay - not ironic.
Pardoned of murder 2 minutes after execution - not ironic.
Plane crashing the first time you've taken a flight - not ironic.
Traffic jam when you're late - not ironic.
No smoking sign on a fag break - not ironic.
Having 10,000 spoons when you only need a life - not ironic.
Meeting the man/woman of your dreams and then meeting his/her beautiful wife/husband - not ironic.
Free ride once you've paid - not ironic.
Raining on your wedding day - not ironic.

Dom said the song should be renamed and that pre-chorus should say 'isn't it annoying'

That would be more accurate.

I said perhaps she's being really clever and she knows that the song is ironic because the song doesn't contain any irony.

"She isn't," Dom said.

Please welcome to the stage the Jumbo Pencil Groin Stabbers

Dom went to Gregg's today.
He had a soft baguette that had some cucumber in it.
Probably had some other things in it too but I feel bad wathcing too closely when he's having his lunch break especially on Tuesday - the longest day of the week.

We start at 8am on Tuesdays and the early morning conversation isn't usually of the highest standard - today was different.

Ian brought up X Ray glasses quite early.
He said that people always assume you would see naked people through them when in reality you would see bones.

(Dom just walked by my desk- he jabbed me in the ribs while singing blog, blog, blog, blog to the tune of the baseball theme music)

Dom said X Ray glasses would have plenty of other uses.
He said you could check the amount of crisps in packets to make sure you were getting value for money before buying them.
Also said you could ensure you were getting a good toy from kinder eggs.

Later on we discussed Limos or as Domc alls them - slag mobiles.
He must have been in a mood because he went off on a rant in which he said the only reason the windows were blacked out is to stop drivers from seeing the people inside and ramming into them.

Dom enjoys finding the best stories of the day and summarising them to the office.

Today's was about a woman who cause a pile up in America because she crashed while shaving her bikini line.

Yesterday's was about a man who killed himself by stabbing his groin repeatedly with a novelty jumbo pencil.

This inspired Dom.

For some time he discussed forming a band called the Jumbo Pencil Groin Stabbers.

He often talks about forming bands but he never gets further than the name.

My favourite so far is 'Space Fighter Karate Bastard'.

A new low

Dom had a lamb doner kebab flavour Pot Noodle today.
Said it was amongst the top five worst things he had ever tasted and that it left him feeling 'depressed and empty'.
He bought three Pot Noodles on offer the other day, the only ones on offer were of the Bombay Bad Boy and the dreaded lamb doner kebab varierty.
Said he didn't want three Bombay Bad Boys so bought the takeaway flavour.

"It's my terrible morbid curiosity," Dom said.
"It's the same thing that has made me watch so many beheadings on the internet.
"Strangely, none of them left me feeling as depressed and empty as this," he said while eating it.

I said I couldn't understand why he ever thought it would be a good idea when he doesn't even eat lamb kebabs.

"Everyone likes the taste them when they're eating them drunk," Dom said.
"I just don't like the way they make me feel - particulalry the feeling I get when I wake up next to dog food and garlic."

It's safe to say it was Dom's worst lunch since the blog started.

Any doubts were shattered moments after the Pot Noodle when Dom shouted 'OH! Now my banana is horribly bruised.'

Dom's Food Diary is my first ever blog.
Years ago I wanted to start a column called 'Things what I don't see much of no more'.
It would basically feature small stories on things from your childhood that don't make appearances in your day-to-day life anymore.
We remembered it today because Dom was talking about getting grass cuts and squeezing those red ant things.

Dom said something that he doesn't see much of no more is white dog poo.

"I miss white dog poo," Dom said.
"It was a staple from my childhood."

Dane Bowers is performing in a club near our office soon.
We were trying to remember his early work after seeing an advert earlier.

Dom remembered he sang a bit on Another Level's 'Freak Me'.

"My main memory of that song was seeing them perform on Blue Peter," Dom said.
"There was a lot of gyrating going on and I remember feeling embarrassed.
"I'm guessing my nan was in the room," he added.

Why you should avoid free washing machines

Went to Wetherspoons again today.

Dom had a panini. He wanted cheese and ham but they gave him cheese and tomato.
Didn't kick up too much of a fuss.

Think he's learnt his lesson there.

Years ago we went to a different Wetherspoons and we waited over and hour for food and when it eventually came it was all wrong and tasted rubbish.
Normally when something like this happens Dom threatens to 'hulk out' and 'punch through a wall.

However, on this occasion, in his post-disappointing lunch rage Dom scribbled a note on a napkin that read: "Shit food. Took ages. Thanks"

When his rage lifted he regretted the move and we didn't eat at that 'Spoons for some time.
I've since heard from a member of staff that the note was kept - they posted it on the wall of the kitchen.


(Dom just flicked my ear)

While we ate I noticed that me and Dom have the same marks on our shirt sleeve cuffs.
Neither of us know where they come from.

Kelly said it was probably from the ironing. I'm ashamed to say neither one of us could verify this.

Dom takes his clothes to his mam for washing because he doesn't have a washing machine in his flat. I felt bad for him for not having a washing machine until he explained that he's had to come up with clever ways of getting out being given a free washing machine - twice.

We were talking about the pros and cons of moving out.

Dom said he hates hoovering, particulalry when the hoover won't pick something up.
"I end up picking it up myself and feeding it to the hoover," he said.

(Dom just flicked my ear)

Dom likes shopping for himself but said he's like a big kid.

"If I buy something nice, I'll eat it all," he said.
"I once ate three yogurts because no one was there to stop me."

Quiz machine did not want to pay up today. Worst it's been for a while.
No luck with Noel Edmunds so we tried pub quiz.

Lost that too but we did end up discussing our favourite Eggheads.

Dom doesn't like Daphne Fowler.

"She's evil," he said.
"She's there with her smile and lisp but if you look deep into her eyes she is pure evil.
"She would literally stamp on kittens to win a quiz," he added.

A drunken biscuit row

I think I may have just been involved in a drunken biscuit row.
I don't think you know you've been in one until it's over.
It just happened so fast.

We went to the pub for dinner.
Dom skipped food there and just had a pint of 5% ale.
He said he drank it too quick and that he felt it go to his head - so he drank another one to be safe.

We lost some money on Deal or No Deal but won some on Pub Quiz.

He had a sub when he got back to the office and Cath just made a round of hot drinks. Dom went to go and get somke office biscuits to have with his coffee.

He chose regular Hob Nobs and dark chocolate Hob Nobs.

Kelly asked him not to get anything with chcolate on because she's given it up for Lent.

Dom said 'Jesus wouldn't mind'.

Anyway, during the biscuits Dom started defending Maryland cookies when someone said they aren't the best.
Cath said the Tesco ones are good and Dom kicked off - probably more than he would have pre-two pints.

I tried agreeing with Cath and somehow got in Dom's firing line.

"That's absolutely ridiculous."
"The Tesco ones are too big, you can't dunk them in your tea like this," he said before taking a Hob Nob out of the packet, dunking it in his coffee and eating it in one go."

I said that not everyone eats biscuits like that.

"They do," Dom said before trying his usual psychology trick on me - luckily Sam spotted it.

"Oh, how do you eat them them then?," he said.
"Do you nibble around the sides like a big gaylord."

"It always comes down to gaylord," Sam said.

Dom laughed. I took advantage of his change in mood by suggesting he should try the Tesco cookies.

"You should try one of them," I said.

"Try this," Dom said with his fingers up.

Blasphobbling if you will

Dom had a McDonald's again today.
He announced his intentions of getting one really early like he did the last time he had one within the blog era.

He took the tomato out before eating the burger even though he doesn't mind tomatoes.

Not sure the McDonald's was for the best today as his health isn't improving.
Hasn't had another nosebleed but his back and legs are playing up.

I think it's just because of the stupid office karate move he pulled off yesterday.
I was typing away when Dom's knee came very close to my ribs.

"That would have ended you," Dom said.
"Your rib would have gone into your lung."

He's not so confident today, he just hobbling while blaspheming - blasphobbling if you will.

Dom had what I like to call a mini-rant earlier about people who say ASDAS and Tescos instead of ASDA and Tesco.

He says he can't understand where it all started.

"Do you know what Tesco stands for," he asked me.
I was just about to answer when he said: "Good value and low, low prices."

This led to a conversation of which was better - ASDA or Tesco.

Dom said he didn't like Tesco because it was 'too bleak'.
I can't put a finger on it or explain why but I sort of agree.

Other people in the office liked Tesco but I said I prefer ASDA too.

Dom seemed pleased with the support.

Well he did punch his chest before thrusting his fist in the air.

Nosebleeds Wizards Avatar

Been on edge around Dom today.
I'm the office first adier and my certificate expired early in 2004.
He's had two nose bleeds in less than 24 hours and he's been smelling things that aren't there.
The first nosebleed happened last night.

Dom said he spent 10 minutes worrying he was having a brain haemorrhage.
When he finished worrying he was left with a taste of coins.

The second nose bleed happened today.
It wasn't as bad as last night's but Dom hadn't long said: "I've just had two cups of coffee on the head.
"If it appears that I'm having a stroke I might very well be having a stroke."

I had some freezing cold grapes from the market today.
Dom was one of only two people in the entire office who refused one.
Dom said he didn't want one because he hadn't had his dinner he also voiced some opinions that led me to believe he was boycotting the grape trend because everyone else likes them.

It's the same principle that has stopped him from watching Avatar.

The food that stopped him having a grape was some pasta from Tesco and a bag of prawn cocktail crisps.
Also spotted an empty bottle of juice in his bin.

Earlier today we talked about bands like Dragonforce.
Dom's thoughts provided me with the best test I've had in shorthand since college.

Word for word, he said...

"You can listen to them and you can appreciate that they are good at what they do, but at the end of the day they are grown men singing about wizards.
"The only thing worse than that are grown men who listen to grown men singing about wizards."

Ian asked would it make a difference if they were wizards.

"If a grown wizard sings about being a wizard then that's fine," Dom said.
"It's like with the NWA, they sing about guns and crime and that but they are from Compton."

A strange tension

Sorry about the blog delay - we've been busy today.
Me and Dom had to go to Tesco to report on something that you wouldn't believe if I wrote about it here.
I'll post a link to the story when it's online.

Dom had a bloomer, looked like it was from Gregg's.
Chief Food Monitor is off this week so I haven't been able to confirm this.

Dom saw a group on Facebook earlier about the opening to the old Fifa games that said: "EA Sports - It's in the game."
I told him that it doesn't say this anymore and Dom said he hasn't noticed because he's too busy saying it in his brain.

"I bet you could say EA Sports," to 99% of boys our age and they would say 'It's in the game'," he said.
"It's like when you hear 'maybe she's born with it'."

"Maybe she's Maybelline," I said.

"It's maybe it's Maybelline," Dom said.

I replied with: "Or like the McDonald's advert.
"Do, do, do do, do...."

No one said 'I'm loving it'

Dom told me I had created a 'strange tension' after a few seconds of silence.

Interesting fact about Dom.
Fifa isn't his football themed game of choice.
He much prefers Championship Manager.
Said he gets really into it and sometimes conducts post match interviews in his head.

If you think that's bad he once told me about a boy he'd heard about who actually went to get changed into a suit when he got his team through to the FA cup final.

Might have been the same guy we saw in Tesco today.... who knows?