Sandal-wearing-brie-munchers and prison

Dom had an exciting sushi lunch today.
It was from Tesco and it came with wasabi and ginger.

Seemed to really enjoy it but I think the wasabi shocked him.

He also brought back some kebab flavoured Pringles for everyone in the office.
They were weird but nicer than you'd think.

Had a bit of a weird day today.

Discussed everything from going to the Hay Book Festival to going to prison.

Dom said he didn't fancy the book festival because he imagined it would be full of "sandal-wearing-brie-munchers".

Didn't fancy prison either but we all had different ideas on how we'd survive.

I said I'd be a snitch - Dom said he'd be one of the harder inmate's 'partner'.


"I'd be giving all sorts of information away," I said.

"I'd be wearing eye-liner and tying my shirt up before I knew it," he said.

Dom's P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Poker Face

First day back in work with Dom for just over a week.

Thought he might have opted for something more exciting than a sandwich but he didn't.
Dom must be super productive when I'm away. I must be his kryptonite.

I'm not talking about doing a bit more work or joining a gym he actually formed a cover band and rehearsed to the level where he played a full set on the Bank Holiday weekend.

He literally played for the first time with the full band on Tuesday and then played a gig on the Sunday.

I'd only been off a week!

If I'd taken two weeks off he could have got signed, released a dodgy third album and overdosed on something before finding God.
He plays bass in a house band for the Grasshopper's pub in Brynmawr.

They're called the Grasshopper's House Band and play everything from the Eagles to Bryan Adams.

My favourite bit that I saw was when Dom started playing the intro to Poker Face - that's right.

My favourite bit that I didn't see was when he hit himself in the eye when he took his bass off and tried to act like it didn't happen.



For those of you who are having trouble believing the blog today

Had a bit of a Dom themed Bank Holiday weekend, after work yesterday we watched some UFC.
After the fights Dom introduced me to 'Eats of Strength' - some American TV show that Bravo are showing.

Basically follows people trying to beat world records for eating things but that doesn't do it justice.
All I can say is watch it.

At one point some fat loser described bologna as having a 'terrorist mentality' while explaining how hard it is to eat.

Dom watched Derren Brown Investigates last night.

The series finished and Dom, who has been talking a lot about ghosts recently, seemed quite sad this morning when he said: "Well that's ghosts and the after life ruined for me in a few weeks."

He soon cheered up when he saw a baby otter being tickled on YouTube.

I think he'll be fine.

A Nazi mix up and a sugar rampage

Dom spent most of the morning laughing at Holly Willoughby.
For those of you who don’t know, she said ‘May the Force be with you’ while doing a Nazi salute on this morning’s This Morning.
Dom described it as a ‘terrible and hilarious Star Wars/Third Reich mix up’.




He went out for dinner and came back with a Subway, a drink and a packet of red Doritos.
I can only assume he was paying with a ‘big note’.

He greeted us all after dinner with this: “Oh man. How long has my fly been undone?”
“I’ve walked around town and everything.”

I don’t know who got a glimpse of Dom’s gaping trousers but I do know he paid a visit to Cash Generator (or Smack Generator as Dom, perhaps more accurately, calls it)
I know this because he told me had to walk out of there because of the strong smell of body odour.

“It was like a BO forcefield,” he said.

After his food Dom popped out for some milk to make tea and coffee.
He cam back with a huge bottle of milk and two packs of sweets for everyone.

This sounds nice unless you know what sweets do to Dom.

After a few today he said: “Uh oh, I think I’ve eaten too many sweets. I think I’m due some kind of sugar rampage’

If you remember after his last ‘sugar rampage’ he came up with Meat or Streep.

The highlight of today’s sugar rampage was a discussion about the little people on the bottom right of our TV screens who sign programmes.
Dom was amazed to discover that they also appear on music programmes and dance when there are no lyrics to sign.

The conversation culminated in Dom having a go at signing “Here Comes the Sun’”


When he came down from his sugar rush he described the entire epidsode as ‘undignified’.



Think about it.



If you haven't seen it, take a look at this to see Holly's mix up.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EYnIlq71O4

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

It seems Dom has gone Tesco sandwich mad.
He went for a chicken and chorizo one today. Looked good and he seemed to enjoy it.

I had soup because I have a really bad ulcer which hurts when I eat solid food.
It’s on the right side of my bottom lip.

Worryingly, it is in the exact opposite position to where Dom had one two weeks ago.
The reason why this is concerning me is because I woke up with my ulcer the day after a drunken me and Dom had enjoyed a night of living room UFC fighting.

Dom loves UFC.

He taught me a ground and pound, a few submissions, I remember him teaching me full guards, side guards and mounts.
I remember him saying: “I need to get in between your thighs for this one” before accidentally elbowing my face.

I don’t remember much else.

This wouldn’t worry me half as much as it does if me and Dom didn’t have a history of getting in dodgy situations after a drink.

Once, the two of us stayed in watching the documentary Dig while drinking absinthe.

The last thing I remember was listening to the first two or three tracks of the ‘Holy Bible’ before waking up 7.30am.
I had literally spent the night sleeping on Dom’s lap as he slept sitting upright on the settee.

Apparently I got all angry and shouted ‘Sleep there!” while pointing at the settee just before I went to bed.

Earlier today we were discussing the new film ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’

Dom likes to think that the whole film came to be because someone in Hollywood forgot he had a meeting on the day they were discussing new ideas for a film.

Dom’s ideal scenario goes a little something like this...

Boss: “So did anyone have any new ideas for the new film? How about you?” (Points at the guy who forgot he had a meeting)
The guy who forgot he had a meeting: “Uh.... how about.....uh.... Hot tub... uh.... Time Machine?”
Boss: “I love it! Get John Cusack on the phone.”

Such fond memories...

Today we went to the Belle Vue - aka the birth place of Dom's Food Diary.
For those of you who remember it is the place we like to go when we get paid because it is more classy than 'Spoons.
When we ate there after getting paid in January Dom had a go at me for not remembering what he had to eat on our last visit and hence 'What I saw Dom eat today' was born.

It was also the place where he dropped a chip and caught it with his legs and the place where he coined the phrase 'Death or Glory'.

He actually used that phrase while eating at the Belle today which was nice.
He estimated afterwards that it was the third or fourth time he had ever used it.

Today he said it while struggling with his curry, chips and rice.
Fair play, it was huge.

He tried his best to eat it all and he did particularly well.

He did go quiet for a bit and I also caught him 'having a breather'.

He looked upset at one point but he soon came out of it when a full Dom reminded himself of the amazing way he spent Tuesday night.


We went out for food on Tuesday after work and Dom shared a lift home with our friend Louise and her dog.
The Chihuahua/Jack Russell had been staying a Lou's sister's house where it was clearly spoilt with too much chicken.

He said it was really full and couldn't be bothered to move.

Dom said he spent the six mile car journey back to his house winding the poor pup up by blowing on the back of its ear because it couldn't be bothered to defend itself.

At one point Dom did an impression of the full dog.

Cath almost choked on a bit of ham.

The end.

Welcomed by Weezer...

Sorry about the lack of blog yesterday.
I left the office early, also came in late today.

I was greeted by a song from Dom who was waering a short sleeved pink shirt.

It was his own version Weezer’s ‘Jamie’.

It went: “Jamie, Jamie, I’m so glad you’re back.”

It was nice.

This attitude didn’t last, he just called me a ‘man child’ for getting prematurely excited about a thing on the internet I found called a Wasp Spider.

I thought it was a spider that could fly, on closer inspection Dom discovered it was actually a wasp-coloured Spider.

I was gutted – particularly after miming the fictional flying action.

Oh well...

Dom had a piri piri subway today, also had a pint in ‘Spoons.
Yesterday he had a bloomer from Gregg’s.

Me and Dom have been talking about spiritualists a lot this week after watching Derren Brown Investigates (10pm Mondays, Channel 4)

Referring to cold reading and particulalry the technique where the subject does the work (for those of you you watched Derren) Dom laughed at how the one woman took the random number 93 and said it was definitely linked to a man she knew.

Turned out it was a man who sold her eggs occasionally.

“Out of all the dead people who could contact you why would the guy who sold you eggs want to get in touch?” sceptical Dom asked.

“My uncle was an egg man,” Kelly said.

“Coo coo, ca choo,” Dom replied.

Toon anger and Funhouse politics

Dom had another Tesco sandwich today.
I thought it was another World Cup themed one but it was just of the egg and tomato variety.

He queued behind the Welsh and Ospreys prop Adam Jones and all he had to say about his brush with fame was...

“He was wearing shorts.”

Dom’s been reminiscing a lot lately.

Today he had a minor rant about popular kids TV show Funhouse.

Said he always fancied a go at the Go-Karts but said he had a massive problem with the set up of the show.
The said problem was that whenever they won they were always given prizes for their school. Eg.. computers and encyclopedias.

Dom wasn’t happy about this - at all.

“I don’t want a globe for my classroom,” he said.”
“Get out!”


The rant continued.

“It wasn’t on,” he said.
“If I had gone on there and won a computer for my classroom I would have been the only one using it.
“I would have been like ‘did you go on Funhouse? No!’
‘Were you slogging away?’. ‘No!’.


Yesterday he was talking about old cartoons.
Said that even from a young age he was rooting for Wile E. Coyote to catch Roadrunner.

This is the sort of person Dom is.

Not many toons were safe from the wrath of baby Dom but I felt most sorry for poor Pepe le Pew.

Dom didn’t like the fact that he was trying to ‘get off’ with a cat when he was clearly a skunk.

“He was essentially a 'hilarious', smelly French rapist,” Dom said.


'A 'hilarious', smelly French rapist'

A vicious, sexy circle.

So Dom's back in work after a week off.
Dom celebrated his return to work with a World Cup themed sandwich from Tesco. He opted for Chilli Beef.

He's missed out on all the news....

The main story he was late reading about was the one where Danny Dyer got in trouble for his advice column.
When asked for advice from some man who had been dumped the 32-year-old dick head suggested he should "cut" his ex-girlfriend's face "so no one will want her".

He lost his column as a result.

Dom was about to make a joke about the situation but stopped.
He said he didn't want to get in trouble and get his column taken off him.

Dave asked what column.

Dom said: "Come over here and I'll show you my column." In his dirty voice that has freaked me out for years.

I told him that if he wasn't careful I'd cut his column so no one would want it.

Dom was also out of the office for the election excitement.
All he had to say on that matter was that he felt sorry for Gordon Brown.

Not because his party suffered a major defeat, not because he seems likely to be kicked out of his home but because, and I quote: "He has a big, sad, bear face."

Dom started a conversation about bodybuilders earlier.

Said they freak him out because he can't look at them without imagining touching their 'oiled up muscles'.

He said this gave him a fear that aroused him but then the arousal added to his fear which increased the arousal.

We agreed it was like a 'vicious, sexy circle'.

A ghetto lunch

Wetherspoon's have a new menu!
That's literally all the news I have today.

Dom had a chorizo/pasta dish that looked really nice. Cost him £6 though which he wasn't too pleased about.

I tried to talk him out of paying that much for a meal because I knew he's be in a mood if it was rubbish.
I suggested he should wait until after pay day.

"It's not the money Jame," he said.
"I'm a high roller."

Spent most of the lunch trying to swat a fly.
Kelly told him to do it slowly, my advice was to aim to hit where it's about to fly, Ian said he wouldn't have tried hitting it.

"What else am I supposed to do when it's getting all up in my grill?" Dom asked.

Just heard Dom talking about someone who has written a 10 minute song about Jesus. Said he's paid £26,000 for an orchestra to record the song.

When I asked who it was Dom said...

"Lee Ryan.
"You know, the cretin from Blue."

Filling fish and chips

Dom had chips today after reading an advert in the paper.
Had some fish with them too.

Really enjoyed his food but he was really full. Even left some chips.

Told me I could eat them if I wanted like a big boy.

He's been saying that a lot today. For example he told me to go and get a key cut like a good boy.

Says he'll keep doing it for ages. Probably will.

I started saying 'like a good boy' after everything I announced to get in before him but he says he prefers that.

I can't wain.

Wednesdays have been weird for two weeks.
Last week I had the sexy kettle dance, the week before I had the near knife attack.

This morning Dom just asked me who my favourite turtle was.

"Raphael," I said.

"Good man," Dom said.

He then went on to say Leonardo was a bit of a goody two shoes, and that he didn't like Donatello.
To be fair he soon added that at least Donatello was the only turtle to use his weapon as a weapon.
Said the others would always use thei swords to cut a rope so something would fall on BeeBop and/or Rocksteady.
Seems Michaelangelo is his least favourite.

"He was borderline retarded," Dom said.
"It would always be his fault when things went wrong.
"The episodes would end with him messing up their pizzas - he'd order some ridiculous topping like chocolate and condoms or something.
"All the turtles would laugh - I would have been tamping."

An unwanted pasty

Dom hates town.
When he came back with his food today he simply said: "Don't ask"
He said that he hated town and that it made him buy a pasty he didn't want.

Didn't complain while eating it though.

Dom had his hair cut yesterday and I'm still struggling to get used to it.
It makes me feel like getting my hair cut.

Dom told me I would be getting it done prematurely but then said that today it looks like the haircut of all the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S combined.

I'll sort it out tomorrow.

Dom likes drawing comparisons with people and he's usually quite good at it.

Yesterday we were reading a story about this mother and her son.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268890/Meet-Britains-smallest-mum-14-month-old-son-towers-her.html



Dom said there was no way the boy was a one-year-old.

"It's the guy from This is England," he said.
"Look here he is with his jacket on," he added showing me this pic...

Bonus tomato

Dom had a chicken pesto and sun dried tomato baguette from Gergg's today.
I know this because after he apparently finished he shouted.
"Oh yeah!"
"Thought I finished and I just found bonus chicken and tomato."


I have a bruise on my back. Dom just threatened to hurt it.
Dom and I went out on Saturday with our friend Rob for a walk along the canal.
It was like a weird version of Stand by Me and it has since been described as the Last of the Summer Wine - for gays.

Well it was fun.

Dom posed for a picture with a cow (or bull as he claims), he vaulted a fence and did a forward roll.

My favourite bit was when some 'local' in a tiny village pub assumed we were in a band because as Dom put it 'we had haircuts'.

Anyway Rob bruised by back and Dom just said 'I'm going to come over there and knee you in your bruise' because I got 'Love in an Elevator' stuck in his head.

I said that was rich coming from him after all the songs he has got stuck in my head over the years.

They include the song that never ends from the end of Lambchops Play-a-long and the classic early 90s advert for the Horse magazine that went.. "Ilove horses, best of all the animals. I love horses, they're my friend."

Even as I write this he is singing a twisted cover called 'Jesus Don't Want me for a Mung Bean'.

Renegade stops play

Apologies for the short blog today.

A local radio station competition caused the town to go mental.
They send a 'renegade to a town centre' if you find him and ask him 'Are you the Real Radio Fugitive'? then he gives you £3,000.
Everyone was asking everyone the question and people were running everywhere.

It was weird.


We all split up and lost each other in the fuss.
By the time I met up with Dom he had already eaten.

I did find out that he went for Fish and Chips for £3 from Wetherspoons. He said no to the free cup of tea

In a little quiz we had Ian managed to answer the question 'Where is the National Railway museum in the UK' straight away.

"What a gutting thing to know," Dom said.

An awkward encounter after an all day breakfast

As I write this I'm recovering from an awkward encounter with Dom but I'll get to that later.

Tried a new place for food today.
It was the pub with the rubbish jukebox that we drank in on Friday.
They do main meals for only £2.99.
Dom had the all day breakfast which looked awesome.
I had a steak which was rubbish.
Dom told me that's what Is should expect when ordering £2.99 steak - at least four times.


Dom thoroughly enjoyed his breakfast which came with chips.
Said he couldn't remember the last time he had dipped a chip in an egg.

My favourite bit was...

We were all chatting away when we heard a muffled 'uh-oh' coming from Dom's side of the table.
We turned to see Dom with his head against the plate with a little bit of bacon hanging out of his mouth.
He clearly hadn't cut it properly - I hate it when that happens.

Dom just popped out for a slush puppy which leads me on to my awkward encounter...

He asked everyone if they wanted a slush puppy, when he asked me he stood inappropriately close to me (as he does sometimes).
However, this time I felt something from Dom's trouser area rubbing on my arm.
It left my arm feeling cold and weird even after he walked off.
Sort of like a horrible version of when you've had a Christmas cracker hat on all day and you're never quite sure if you're still wearing it or not.

When I told Dom we spent a while trying to work out what it was.
We eventually decided that it must have been something he had in his pocket. He even let me feel it through his trousers again to put my mind at rest.
I did and it did feel like the thing that was on my arm moments earlier - this made me feel better but come to think of it he still hasn't told me what that was.

It was like a blindfolded version of Offal Jim Jam - a game made popular by Ricky Gervais.

See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Offal%20Jim%20Jam


I don't know why the whole thing bothered me so much - I once had a much worse encounter.

I was in a different Wetherspoons years ago having lunch with people in my old office.
We'd ordered food and I sat around chatting with my back to the bar.
At one point as I was over gesturing I did a *weighing things up scale type move* and actually 'cupped' the waiter who had come to bring the food.

No joking, it lasted about 3 seconds, I felt everything and I actually made eye contact with him during.

Sometimes writing the blog feels like counselling.

A sexy dance and crisp worries...

Remember when Dom jumped on me with a kitchen knife?
Well I had a whole new experience this morning.

I think the 8 o'clock starts make him go funny.

I came into work, went to the kitchen and found Dom making tea and coffee for everyone.

He turned round holding the kettle and did what he called a 'little sexy dance'

He said because he was holding the kettle it provided 'just the right mix of danger and arousal'.

He was right.


Don't know if it was caused by the dancing but Dom was moaning about a bad back earlier.
He has done since he went on a trampoline in the summer of 2009.

"Trampolines... bad news," he often says.


He went to Gregg's today and ate a bloomer of some sort.

Also had a few of the World Cup flavoured crisps.

We tried guessing what they were, when i said Cheeseburger after tasting the Garlic bread Dom told me I had a tumour.
Might get that checked out...

Spit Spot

Dom's back in work.
He celebrated by having a chicken tikka sandwich, a pack of crisps and a little muffin just now.

Remember when Dom made fun of me for eating girly food and watching girly TV?
There are a few references to these remarks scattered throughout the blog.

Well, I thought you all should know that he confessed to watching yet another girly film.

I already knew that he watched and enjoyed Mean Girls but today he confessed to watching the Devil Wears Prada.

In fairness he didn't enjoy it and Ian did trump him by admitting to owning the same film.

Dom had a bit of a strop earlier. He often threatens to Hulk out and smash through the wall.
Today was the closest it's ever got to happening and the tiniest spark caused it.

It literally only took Kelly to say 'Come on, snap snap' Instead of 'Come on then, chop,chop'.

He was making fun of her saying it wrong when Sam and Cath incorrectly informed him that it was a saying from Mary Poppins.

At this point Kelly was making tea in the other room so Dom shouted out that she was fine to say 'Snap Snap' because it was from Mary Poppins.

Dave heard this and pointed out that Mary Poppins actually says “Spit Spot”.

That was it..

Dom went mental...

"Sort yourselves out!" he shouted.

"I've gone and announced it now!"

"You've made a fool of me!"

(Throws chair)

"For the last time!"

He calmed down when we started talking about the volcano in Iceland.

Dom said they should solve the problem by throwing Tom Hanks in there.

I know now that this is a Jo Vs the Volcano reference - I haven't seen this film.

When I told Dom this he called me an 'uncouth fellow'.

Edior's note: I have been asked to point out that the strop was ironic

The many faces of Dominic Jones

The many faces of Dominic Jones

"I'm sat here, eating chips, wearing a short sleeved shirt - welcome to summer."

That was Dom at around 1pm.

Minutes later, after a short walk through a busy town centre he was heard saying: "Sometimes I wish either I was dead or everyone else was dead."

The chips mentioned above were what Dom chose for his lunch. He gave one to Kelly.

We then went for a pint in the Crown for a change. They have a beer garden there but we drank inside because it was surprisingly cold and Dom had a short sleeved shirt on.

They also had a juke box but it was rubbish.

Dom managed to find This Charming Man, Fool's Gold and Irish Blood, English Heart on there.

I had a look but decided to save my pound, everything else was either 50 cent or N Dubz.

So we sat and drank in silence and discussed theme tunes.

Dom's two favourite theme tune anecdotes are...

1) Justin Hawkins of Darkness fame wrote the jingle to Pop/American Idol before he was famous.

2) The guy who wrote the do do do do do bit for the McDonal'ds 'I'm Loving It' jingle committed suicide.

Apparently he jumped from the roof of Chicago’s Fairmont Hotel in 2008.



RIP Paul Tilley

A false alarm sneeze

Dom just had a ‘false alarm’ sneeze.
He did a proper sneeze, paused and then looked like he was going sneeze but sort of sneezed with approximately 12 per cent the force of a normal sneeze.

“Oh, that was a false alarm sneeze,” he said.
A few seconds later he added: “I don’t feel quite right.”

He did a proper sneeze a couple of seconds later.

“That clearly came as quite a surprise,” he said when he left for the toilet to wash himself down.

Been to the pub today, Dom went for a beef gourmet burger which he enjoyed.
It was quite a nice lunch but he did have a go at me once because I kept suggesting film ideas.

He quite liked the one I’m going to submit to Pixar called Hippo-chondriac about a hippo who somehow ends up saving the day by conquering his fear of water.
Unfortunately, he equally hates my idea of Santa Jaws which tells the story of a shark who has to take on the role of Father Christmas with hilarious consequences. after accidentally biting up when his sledge crashes in the Pacific on Christmas Eve.

I said he should support my creativity because I would buy him things if I was rich, like a three-course meal with Morrissey.

Dom said he wouldn’t want that in case Morrissey was rude to him.

I said I’d make sure he wasn’t rude by threatening his loved ones before.

“He hasn’t got loved ones,” Dom said.
“That’s why he’s Morrissey.
“He’s a spinster in the body of a 50-year-old man.”

Inspiring sausages

Dom had a pepperoni pizza from Domino's today.
Used the same voucher that he used last time I wrote about him eating a pizza from there.

Said he was still quite hungry after it.

I'm not surprised that one small pizza didn't fill him after hearing a story he told us this afternoon.

I was reading an interview with Ricky Gervais where he says that he decided to slim down after gorging on sausages.
He basically ate 11 in one go around Christmas time, he said he felt horrible having to lie down like a snake waiting to digest it all.

The whole sausage incident inspired him to lose weight.

Dom said he could relate to that.

He said a few weeks ago he bought one of the large £3 Asda pizzas that you order to your liking.
He ate the whole thing in one go.

"It was horrible," Dom recalled.
"The only thing I could do was lie down and wait for the pain to stop."

This story didn't surprise me at all.
Dom still hasn't got used to living by himself. He still shops like a child.
Just Saturday I turned up at his house at 6pm to find him drunk. He had been drinking Blind Russians by himself.

Dom had a go at me yesterday.
He was being Hitler with the office air conditioning system.
His Nazi-like antics left me freezing.


When I complained he said: "You have to listen to what the people want.
"It's called democracy and it is the reason I was twice voted as ruler of the free world.

"It's people like you who are to blame for Skynet going pear shaped."

WM article

Jamie Robins has found the perfect cure for lunch break boredom – document everything his colleague is eating – then tell a growing number of followers about it on the web. Trouble is, the subject’s feeling a little stalked...

WHAT did you have for lunch yesterday? That’s an easy question, you could probably answer it.

What did you have to eat on Wednesday, February 3? That isn’t so easy.

Well it is for my friend and colleague Dom.

You see, since the middle of January, I have spent my lunch breaks writing about everything he eats while we are in work together.

I post the results on my first ever blog.

Now I appreciate this sounds weird, but I do have my reasons.

It all started one day when we were going to a pub for a more expensive lunch than usual because it was pay day.

Dom struggled to pre-order because he couldn’t remember what he had chosen to eat the last time we went to the same venue – please keep in mind that this was early in 2009.

He got annoyed with me when I couldn’t remember, so I thought that the best way to prevent this happening again would be to start making a note of everything he eats.

I kept the notes in my desk, but I was running out of paper and quite frankly, I’m ashamed of my handwriting, so it was suggested I should start a blog.

With a little help, I set up an account on Blogspot – and lo – Dom’s Food Diary was born.

I think it might help if I share one of the first blogs to give you a better idea of how this works.

“Friday, January 15: Dom doesn’t like the idea of my food diary. He says it’s “creepy”. I think it’s cute.

“There is talk of a pub lunch. Dom pre-ordered chicken tikka. He opted for half rice and half chips.

“At one point he dropped a chip and caught it with his legs. He seemed really pleased for himself and I was happy with this.

“I was proud of the integrity he displayed on the Deal or No Deal game.

“We got to the money round and he refused to deal for £5. He ended up winning 70p – “Death or Glory,” he said.”


As you can see, from the start the blog hasn’t just been about the food.

I like to include a little extra information about Dom for blog readers who don’t have the pleasure of knowing him.

I see the non-food related stories as the equivalent to a novelty figure in a pack of Kellogg’s cereal or a toy in a Happy Meal.

You didn’t ask for them, but you don’t complain when they show up. They make the whole experience that little bit more enjoyable.

I also like to make the blog enjoyable for its readers and believe it or not, it does have readers.

Within a few days of the blog going online there was call for a Facebook fan page.

The membership has grown slowly and the blog now gets an unbelievable average of 100 hits a day.

Word of mouth is the only advertisement it gets, so it does amuse me when new fans pop up who don’t know Dom or myself.

I will admit though, that I was initially worried the pressure of being an internet sensation would get to my mate Dom.

For a few days, he told me I was going to give him an eating disorder.

He couldn’t stop thinking that strangers would be reading about what he had chosen to eat as he was ordering food.

But he quickly stopped being so self-conscious and soon I was writing about his thoughts on everything from Subways to Special Brew.

If you’re interested, he doesn’t like the way the staff at Subway squash the subs.

He thinks squashing subs should be an option they offer you, like they do with extra cheese and toasting the bread.

On the other hand he is a fan of Special Brew.

“It’s sumptuous,” he said.

“It’s like a soup – a soup that makes you want to fight.”

Now the blog is becoming something of a way of life for me and for Dom, whether he likes it or not.

It is also becoming a daily feature in the lives of our friends, friends of friends and people we don’t even know.

It is read by people all over the UK and it even has a few fans from the USA – the food capital of the world.

One reader from Atlanta GA contributed to my monthly ‘Praise for Dom’s Food Diary’ section.

“I hope this blog continues until Dom is eating through a tube or is dead,” she wrote.

“It just means that much to me.”

It’s hard to say when the blog will finish, if it ever will.

Threats to the survival of the blog include either of us finding a new job and/or a restraining order being enforced.

Either way, I’m sure I’ll find a way around it.

Personally I’m hoping an entrepreneur snaps up the rights to produce Dom’s Food Diary – the book – in time for Christmas.

That way I could use the money to fulfil my dreams of making documentaries about Dom and his eating habits.

Watch this space.

Rude and intrusive

Dom and I both turned up for work with 'wacky hair' today.
I have no idea why - Dom told everyone he sent a memo out yesterday.

Dom soon forgot about his wacky hair when he was criticising others - today it started with Heidi Montag from the Hills.

"That's the thing with cosmetic surgery," he said.
"Women should bear in mind that the more you have the more you end up looking like a tranny.
"Katie Price is basically a transvestite.”

Dom had a steak and cheese subway today.
I missed him eating it because I was out but he told me.
I wish I could say he was helping me with the blog but he wasn't.
He was shouting at me because I was eating a 'fruity lunch'.
I had chicken and salad with a bit of cous cous.

This enraged Dom.

"I should start Jamie's Fruity Food Diary," he threatened.
He then proceeded to shout out the ingredients of his dinner.

"Steak"
"Cheese"
"Jalapenos"
"That's a manly lunch," he said.

I told him to stop going on about what I was eating because it was rude and intrusive.

WM article went in today. I'll post it in a blog for those of you who couldn't get a copy.

Dom's pretending it hasn't happened.

"I am going to go to my grave having not read what is in that," he said.

Just putting this out there...

Extra! Extra! Dom's Food Diary goes national.

Yep that's right.
This time tomorrow an 800 word article about Dom's Food Diary will be featured in WM - the Western Mail's weekly women's supplement.
I'll post the article on the blog after it's been printed for those of you who won't have access to a newsagent that sells the Western Mail.

I should point out that if you are a WM reader who is checking out the blog for the first time then you should take a look back at the old blogs on the right side of this page.

It will help to explain the sort of person Dom is and more importantly it will help me appear less mental.

Dom is aware of the article but he seems to be trying his best to ignore it.

He bought his food while I was out of the office today. I returned to see him finishing what looked like a chicken/salad baguette.
He also ate a chocolate brownie at around 10am which he enjoyed.

I'm hoping some rich entrepreneur with more money than sense happens to catch a glimpse of the article tomorrow.
Maybe they would snap up the rights to publish Dom's Food Diary in time for Christmas.

In could be the best selling diary in history - no competition immediately springs to mind.

I would use the money to follow Dom and his eating habits in a documentary.
I've started having this amazing idea of getting Dom to take part in a 'Super size Me' style film.
Instead of McDonald's he would live solely on Cheese and Ale.

I think the results would be funny, emotional and terrifying. All the makings of a good blockbuster.

Talking of films Dom found an interesting one today.

It's called the Human Centipede and follows three people who get drugged by a mad doctor.
According to wiki: "The doctor explains that he is a world renowned expert at separating conjoined twins, but dreams of creating new beings that share a single digestive system by joining separate individuals via their mouths and anuses"

If any new reader happens to be a mad doctor I would like to point out that after a brief discussion me and Dom decided that we definitely wouldn't want this to happen to us. It would definitely bring a new meaning the phrase ‘What I saw Dom Eat Today’.
If it did happen we would both prefer to be at the front.
Should the front not be available we definitely don't want to be in the middle.

Just so you know...


The poster for The Human Centipede just incase, like myself, you didn't believe it was true

Shirtless wrestle anyone?

Dom had another school dinner in the pub today.
Had three sausages, chips and beans. Also had a pint of ale from the ale festival selection.

He's just finished eating a cake Sam made at home.
I think he enjoyed his slice altough he spent most of his time trying to bully me into eating my slice in one go.
When I didn't he called me a 'coward' and a 'yellow belly'.

Dom spent most of yesterday afternoon telling me amazing facts.
My favourite was that the word bed written out looks like a bed and that the man who played Uncle Phil in the Fresh Prince also did the voice of Shredder from the Turtles.



Shredder from the Turtles


EDIT - Dom just waledk past and sang his blog song and typed this - yfdtfdxyfdyfdyut

Dom's in a really good mood today.
He wasn't first thing but then he realised we were finishing at 4pm - he'd convinced himself that we were leaving at 5.
I love it when that happens to me but Dom seems to enjoy it even more.

He got all excited and asked me if I wanted a wrestle.

"Come on have a wrestle," he said.

"I don't know," I said.

"Come on, let's have a shirtless wrestle," he persisted.

"Yeah you could oil up," Ian shouted.

"That's a bit gay," Dom said.

"Calm down."

It's Dom's favourite time of year!

No not Easter, the clocks going forward or the start or summer...

The Wetherspoon Ale Festival is back!!!!

Dom absolutely loves the ale festival, he gets all excited reading about the ales in the little books they produce.
We went to the pub today and Dom ordered a gourmet burger. He had a pint of coconut ale with it and a pint of ale that had hawk in the title after.
He hasn't said much since so I'm guessing they did the trick.

That's the problem with lunch time drinking - you can go through all the stages of a good night out in just over an hour.
You can be sober, happy, chatty, angry, sleepy and have a hangover between 1 and 2 if you do it right.

Dom's somewhere between the sleepy/hangover stage at the moment - he had his angry moment in the pub when for some reason the way we pronounce things was brought up again.

It always starts off with snoooker vs snook-ah before moving on.
Today's included poor being pronounced poo-er or pour, ear being pronounced year or ee-ar and so on.

During lunch Dom spilled melted cheese on himself three times.

I was surprised Dom opted for a gourmet burger today as we had already talked about calorie counting which I know freaks him out at times.

It started because Dom showed us a new KFC burger where they've replaced the bread around the chicken with chicken.


The burger


He then said how shocked he was that Mars bars have 500 calories. Cath said that she wasn't surprised because she loves Snickers but won't eat them because they are even higher.

Dom tried to relate to this.

"I'm not a fan of Snickers either," he said.
"I don't like peanuts.
"They squeak in your mouth."

For some reason this caused an awkward silence.

Yesterday Dave found a survey a radio station was doing about the best ever intros.

Dom listed about 30 without being asked.

"Won't get fooled again" by The Who was one of them.

This led Dom to tell a story about our friend Chris who tried impersonating the Townsend slide while dancing to the song on a juke box one night.
He gave it his all but the floor wasn't very slippery. He ran flat out but the second his knees hit the floor he came to a grinding halt and fell on his face.
He went from about 30mph to 0mph in around 0.1 seconds.

"We could smell jeans all night," Dom recalled.



How the slide should look

Big Shirley Valentine

I still can’t understand why Dom always comes across as the victim to people who read this blog.
It’s always how does Dom feel about you writing about what he eats?
No one ever spares a thought about what it’s like for me having to work with Dom.

He puts his finger in my ear when he walks past my desk, he once spent the day inputting letters to the bass line of She Bangs the Drums, he constantly tries out his new martial arts moves out on me and my ribs and he’s ruined breathing, blinking, tongue resting and pickled onion crisps for me.

They are just some of the moans blog readers will already know about but things like this happen all the time.

Take today for example.
The office alarm was going off for 10 minutes without any explanation.
It was annoying everyone so Dom tried to ease the situation by making his own high pitched noise in time with the actual alarm.

I could hear it over the music on my headphones – it was ridiculous – and that wasn’t even the worst thing he’s done today.

No word of a lie, just before eight this morning I was innocently accessing the office fridge when Dom jumped up on me with Exhibit A screaming ‘”Get out of my way!”



Worryingly the only non factual bit about the above statement and picture is that it was more than likely after eight.


Dom had a Subway for lunch, he returned with a sub a drink and a magazine.
The magazine taught him that Ronan Keating’s hit ‘Baby Can I Hold You?’ is actually a cover of a Tracy Chapman song.
Dom sang a bit of the song like Tracy Chapman – I thought it sounded like Dom’s Morrissey impression. This led to a conversation about female singers who sound like men.

Dom said he was never sure about Tracy Chapman, Dave said he was confused by Nina Simone.

Ian still hadn’t researched his so cleverly went with the below way of joining the conversation.

“Terence Trent D’Arby is another one,” Ian said.

“He’s another what?” Dom said.

“Oh he’s a he,” Ian said.

(EDIT – I was this far into the blog when Dom walked past and tried another move out – it almost ended in disaster when Dom started feeling his trousers pulling.
“That would have been embarrassing,” Dom said. “I wouldn’t have wanted to split my trousers while miming a Muay Thai move on Jamie.”)

That isn’t even my favourite Ian quote.
The best was when he enlightened us with the phrase “Did you know Big Daddy’s real name was Shirley Valentine?”

Sorry Ian.

The return of the blog

So Dom and I are back in work for the first time in more than two weeks.

Technically we did work together for a couple of hours yesterday but we finished before lunch and I didn't see the point in blogging Dom's McDonald's breakfast.
I couldn't leave it out completely so I'm documenting it today.

He enjoyed but said it left him feeling dirty.
He says whenever he eats something really greasy he feels like he needs a shower.

"It's like when I want to wash my face after I've had a Chinese," Dom said

Anyway, today was my first proper day in work with Dom.

The day started with Dom subbing some pages, I don't know what story he was reading but at one point he came out with 'I don't like the term brain child, it freaks me out."

He said the term always makes him think of a 'childlike brain' like Krang from the Turtles. (See fig 1)

Fig 1


Dom had a Bombay Badboy Pot Noodle today. Didn't talk about it, think he was hoping I'd leave the blog after such a long break.

Also just had one crisp from a big bag of pickled onion flavoured Monster Munch.
He said it's one of the foods that makes his mouth water before it is in his mouth. Said he gets a similar experience from Chipsticks.

When he said that I realised that my mouth was watering too.

I hate it when he does that.

He makes me aware of things that I have done for more than 25 years subconsciously.
He ruins little things that I have been blissfully unaware of carrying out.

So far he has ruined blinking, breathing and now pickled onion flavoured Monster Munch.

The worst one was when he pointed out that in its normal resting position your tongue goes to the roof of your mouth.

It does but I swear mine hasn't since.

Europe's simplest man

Had a Wetherspoon's lunch today.
We were short staffed so only me, Dom and Dave went to the pub.

Dom and a cheese pasty, chips and beans.

Said it was a 'school dinner' and he seemed to really enjoy it.

Had a weird smelling ale that he didn't finsh because he said it tasted like the smell.

Had a Tuborg to make up for it.

We were just talking about Live from Studio Five - the Channel 5 show with Ian Wright and 2 girls who shout their thoughts on current affairs over each other for half hour..

My favourite bit was when described Ian Wright as 'Europe's simplest man'"

Yesterday Dom asked me how often I change my jeans.

I said not that often and when I asked Dom he said: "Only when there's an odour or visible stain, like when I get drunk and rub curry in them."

In the same conversation he started talking about popular band The View.

"I can't understand why he's bragging about having the same jeans on for four days," Dom said.
"Four days! That's child's play."

An eight year old's guide to business

I've been out of the office for a while today and missed Dom having lunch.

He was enjoying a choclate and orange flavoured milkshake when I got back.
Said it tasted like someone had melted a Terry's Chocolate Orange into a carton.

He let me try some. It was nice.

He may have opted for a milkshake because he's been warm today.

There's a mini battle in the office over the heating system - the girls want the radiators up full and the air conditioner blasting out 30c air.
The boys are more or less happy with room temperature.

Dom pondered this morning as to whether there was a genetic reason to explain why girls are 'always freezing'.
"You don't exist in the same temperature sphere as us normal people," he said.


Dom was moaning about having to wash his own car earlier and asked why kids don't come round asking if you want your car washed like they we used to when we were young.
After a couple of minutes he put the blame on 'too many paedos'.

He said when he was eight him and a friend spent the day collecting blackberries to sell around the streets.

The business venture didn't go to well, it ended in them having a fight and going their separate ways because the friend wanted to sell them for 99p and Dom wanted to sell them for £1 because they didn't have change.

"He was like 'if we say 99p people will think it's much cheaper than a £1 - it's the first rule of business' "," Dom recalled.
"And I was like 'shut up, we're eight' ".


Just found out that Dom opted for Domino's today. He just had cheese and tomato pizza.
Kelly had to ring to order them because Dom didn't want to. Kelly ended up having to do a story so Dom ended up picking up two pizzas by himself under the name Kelly.


That'll teach him.


Been trying to do a story on Google Streetview - saw a woman moaning on a forum saying that between Facebook and Streetview we have no privacy.
She claimed that burglars could use Streetview to check out our houses for easy access and then use Facebook to see when we update our status about going away on holiday.

Dom had a simple solution for her problems.

"Don't add burglars on Facebook," he said.

Back after a short break

Firstly, apologies for the lack of a blog on Friday and Monday.
Reasons were a missing key and me having a day off without internet access respectively.

Had weekend food with Dom on Saturday which was nice.
We’d already had a few drinks so it was nice eating together without Dom worrying about what I was thinking and without me worrying that Dom was worrying what I was thinking.

We were out because we were watching a Smiths tribute band in the night – Dom still has bruised shins form the event – his voice is just starting to come back.

While we ate he told me about a video he saw of Zooey Deschanel covering a Smiths song – Dom has a bit of a thing for Zooey.

“I didn’t know what to do,” he said
“I wasn’t sure whether to cry or to take my trousers off so I did both.”


Dom had a Tesco sandwich today, we’ve got amazing vouchers for Domino’s but he couldn’t be bothered to walk there.
They entitle us to a 7” pizza for only a £1 up until June – we’ve discussed getting them laminated and wearing them around our necks.


Ian and Dom were just discussing the end of the world again.

Today’s theories involved the planet being taken over by lizards and a meteor strike.

Dom said he thinks he would have a better chance of surviving against the lizards but wasn’t sure if he could get away from them by driving a moped up a hill.

Ian asked him why he was so sure he could escape a meteor on a moped by driving up a hill.

“Because that boy did it,” Dom replied.
“In that documentary Deep Impact.”

Hey, hey. My, my...

Discussed stopping the blog yesterday.
Dom said I should stop it before people get sick of it.

He said he didn't think so many people would read it but also added that I should stop before it gets annoying.

"It's better to burn out than fade away," Dom said.

Ian said: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Dom said it's better to 'be a match than a lighter'.

He felt the need to explain this.

It was probably something about the blank look I had on my face crossed with me still humming 'Hey, Hey. My, My' after his first quote.

I get it now.

Went to the pub today. Dom had two pints of Brain's and a gourmet burger.
It looked huge but he finished it without complaint.

Talked about the first CDs or tapes we bought as kids.

Dom's was the single of Golden Eye and 2 Unlimited's album.

He also told us about buying a White Zombie tape in school.
He decided to give it a blast when he got back to his nan's.
He put it on, when his nan was still in the room, and 'More human than human' came on.
If you don't know the song you should quickly Youtube it and picture listening to it with your nan. Or just download it and listen to it with your nan on Mother's Day to get the full effect.

It basically features a woman making sex noises over a bass line.

Said he had to listen to it all because he didn't want to turn it off because that way he would be letting his nan know that he knew what it was.

Young Dom obviously didn't learn his lesson.

I know of at least two similar incidents.
He often talks about watching the sex scene in Trainspotting with his mam at a young age and the other involves watching Pulp Fiction with his mam.

During the scene with the gimp a fully aware Dom sat in an awkward silence while Marsellus moaned in the locked room.
As Bruce Willis was choosing his weapon Dom's mother said: "I wish he'd hurry up - they're going to beat him to death!"

Isn't it ironic? Or not...

Seems Dom is finally learning some lessons from the blog.
He went to Gregg's today and ordered a egg and bacon baguette without a side dish of sausage roll.
After Gregg's he usually moans that he's too full and he hasn't moaned that he's still hungry yet so I'm guessing he got the balance just right.
I know he opted for some Quavers too so they probably helped.

He said Quavers are the best type of food for him as they don't require chewing or swallowing. He sucks on them until the turn into mush and then just slip down his throat.

After saying this Dom said he needed his irony sign because they weren't his 'actual veiws'.

Dom doesn't have an irony sign - but he should.

Says he's worried because people take him seriously when he's being ironic and he is ironic a lot.


It's easy to see why irony confuses people.
Dom blames Alanis Morissette and he's right to do so.

Dying seconds after winning the lottery - not ironic.
Black fly in Chardonnay - not ironic.
Pardoned of murder 2 minutes after execution - not ironic.
Plane crashing the first time you've taken a flight - not ironic.
Traffic jam when you're late - not ironic.
No smoking sign on a fag break - not ironic.
Having 10,000 spoons when you only need a life - not ironic.
Meeting the man/woman of your dreams and then meeting his/her beautiful wife/husband - not ironic.
Free ride once you've paid - not ironic.
Raining on your wedding day - not ironic.

Dom said the song should be renamed and that pre-chorus should say 'isn't it annoying'

That would be more accurate.

I said perhaps she's being really clever and she knows that the song is ironic because the song doesn't contain any irony.

"She isn't," Dom said.

Please welcome to the stage the Jumbo Pencil Groin Stabbers

Dom went to Gregg's today.
He had a soft baguette that had some cucumber in it.
Probably had some other things in it too but I feel bad wathcing too closely when he's having his lunch break especially on Tuesday - the longest day of the week.

We start at 8am on Tuesdays and the early morning conversation isn't usually of the highest standard - today was different.

Ian brought up X Ray glasses quite early.
He said that people always assume you would see naked people through them when in reality you would see bones.

(Dom just walked by my desk- he jabbed me in the ribs while singing blog, blog, blog, blog to the tune of the baseball theme music)

Dom said X Ray glasses would have plenty of other uses.
He said you could check the amount of crisps in packets to make sure you were getting value for money before buying them.
Also said you could ensure you were getting a good toy from kinder eggs.

Later on we discussed Limos or as Domc alls them - slag mobiles.
He must have been in a mood because he went off on a rant in which he said the only reason the windows were blacked out is to stop drivers from seeing the people inside and ramming into them.

Dom enjoys finding the best stories of the day and summarising them to the office.

Today's was about a woman who cause a pile up in America because she crashed while shaving her bikini line.

Yesterday's was about a man who killed himself by stabbing his groin repeatedly with a novelty jumbo pencil.

This inspired Dom.

For some time he discussed forming a band called the Jumbo Pencil Groin Stabbers.

He often talks about forming bands but he never gets further than the name.

My favourite so far is 'Space Fighter Karate Bastard'.

A new low

Dom had a lamb doner kebab flavour Pot Noodle today.
Said it was amongst the top five worst things he had ever tasted and that it left him feeling 'depressed and empty'.
He bought three Pot Noodles on offer the other day, the only ones on offer were of the Bombay Bad Boy and the dreaded lamb doner kebab varierty.
Said he didn't want three Bombay Bad Boys so bought the takeaway flavour.

"It's my terrible morbid curiosity," Dom said.
"It's the same thing that has made me watch so many beheadings on the internet.
"Strangely, none of them left me feeling as depressed and empty as this," he said while eating it.

I said I couldn't understand why he ever thought it would be a good idea when he doesn't even eat lamb kebabs.

"Everyone likes the taste them when they're eating them drunk," Dom said.
"I just don't like the way they make me feel - particulalry the feeling I get when I wake up next to dog food and garlic."

It's safe to say it was Dom's worst lunch since the blog started.

Any doubts were shattered moments after the Pot Noodle when Dom shouted 'OH! Now my banana is horribly bruised.'

Dom's Food Diary is my first ever blog.
Years ago I wanted to start a column called 'Things what I don't see much of no more'.
It would basically feature small stories on things from your childhood that don't make appearances in your day-to-day life anymore.
We remembered it today because Dom was talking about getting grass cuts and squeezing those red ant things.

Dom said something that he doesn't see much of no more is white dog poo.

"I miss white dog poo," Dom said.
"It was a staple from my childhood."

Dane Bowers is performing in a club near our office soon.
We were trying to remember his early work after seeing an advert earlier.

Dom remembered he sang a bit on Another Level's 'Freak Me'.

"My main memory of that song was seeing them perform on Blue Peter," Dom said.
"There was a lot of gyrating going on and I remember feeling embarrassed.
"I'm guessing my nan was in the room," he added.

Why you should avoid free washing machines

Went to Wetherspoons again today.

Dom had a panini. He wanted cheese and ham but they gave him cheese and tomato.
Didn't kick up too much of a fuss.

Think he's learnt his lesson there.

Years ago we went to a different Wetherspoons and we waited over and hour for food and when it eventually came it was all wrong and tasted rubbish.
Normally when something like this happens Dom threatens to 'hulk out' and 'punch through a wall.

However, on this occasion, in his post-disappointing lunch rage Dom scribbled a note on a napkin that read: "Shit food. Took ages. Thanks"

When his rage lifted he regretted the move and we didn't eat at that 'Spoons for some time.
I've since heard from a member of staff that the note was kept - they posted it on the wall of the kitchen.


(Dom just flicked my ear)

While we ate I noticed that me and Dom have the same marks on our shirt sleeve cuffs.
Neither of us know where they come from.

Kelly said it was probably from the ironing. I'm ashamed to say neither one of us could verify this.

Dom takes his clothes to his mam for washing because he doesn't have a washing machine in his flat. I felt bad for him for not having a washing machine until he explained that he's had to come up with clever ways of getting out being given a free washing machine - twice.

We were talking about the pros and cons of moving out.

Dom said he hates hoovering, particulalry when the hoover won't pick something up.
"I end up picking it up myself and feeding it to the hoover," he said.

(Dom just flicked my ear)

Dom likes shopping for himself but said he's like a big kid.

"If I buy something nice, I'll eat it all," he said.
"I once ate three yogurts because no one was there to stop me."

Quiz machine did not want to pay up today. Worst it's been for a while.
No luck with Noel Edmunds so we tried pub quiz.

Lost that too but we did end up discussing our favourite Eggheads.

Dom doesn't like Daphne Fowler.

"She's evil," he said.
"She's there with her smile and lisp but if you look deep into her eyes she is pure evil.
"She would literally stamp on kittens to win a quiz," he added.

A drunken biscuit row

I think I may have just been involved in a drunken biscuit row.
I don't think you know you've been in one until it's over.
It just happened so fast.

We went to the pub for dinner.
Dom skipped food there and just had a pint of 5% ale.
He said he drank it too quick and that he felt it go to his head - so he drank another one to be safe.

We lost some money on Deal or No Deal but won some on Pub Quiz.

He had a sub when he got back to the office and Cath just made a round of hot drinks. Dom went to go and get somke office biscuits to have with his coffee.

He chose regular Hob Nobs and dark chocolate Hob Nobs.

Kelly asked him not to get anything with chcolate on because she's given it up for Lent.

Dom said 'Jesus wouldn't mind'.

Anyway, during the biscuits Dom started defending Maryland cookies when someone said they aren't the best.
Cath said the Tesco ones are good and Dom kicked off - probably more than he would have pre-two pints.

I tried agreeing with Cath and somehow got in Dom's firing line.

"That's absolutely ridiculous."
"The Tesco ones are too big, you can't dunk them in your tea like this," he said before taking a Hob Nob out of the packet, dunking it in his coffee and eating it in one go."

I said that not everyone eats biscuits like that.

"They do," Dom said before trying his usual psychology trick on me - luckily Sam spotted it.

"Oh, how do you eat them them then?," he said.
"Do you nibble around the sides like a big gaylord."

"It always comes down to gaylord," Sam said.

Dom laughed. I took advantage of his change in mood by suggesting he should try the Tesco cookies.

"You should try one of them," I said.

"Try this," Dom said with his fingers up.

Blasphobbling if you will

Dom had a McDonald's again today.
He announced his intentions of getting one really early like he did the last time he had one within the blog era.

He took the tomato out before eating the burger even though he doesn't mind tomatoes.

Not sure the McDonald's was for the best today as his health isn't improving.
Hasn't had another nosebleed but his back and legs are playing up.

I think it's just because of the stupid office karate move he pulled off yesterday.
I was typing away when Dom's knee came very close to my ribs.

"That would have ended you," Dom said.
"Your rib would have gone into your lung."

He's not so confident today, he just hobbling while blaspheming - blasphobbling if you will.

Dom had what I like to call a mini-rant earlier about people who say ASDAS and Tescos instead of ASDA and Tesco.

He says he can't understand where it all started.

"Do you know what Tesco stands for," he asked me.
I was just about to answer when he said: "Good value and low, low prices."

This led to a conversation of which was better - ASDA or Tesco.

Dom said he didn't like Tesco because it was 'too bleak'.
I can't put a finger on it or explain why but I sort of agree.

Other people in the office liked Tesco but I said I prefer ASDA too.

Dom seemed pleased with the support.

Well he did punch his chest before thrusting his fist in the air.

Nosebleeds Wizards Avatar

Been on edge around Dom today.
I'm the office first adier and my certificate expired early in 2004.
He's had two nose bleeds in less than 24 hours and he's been smelling things that aren't there.
The first nosebleed happened last night.

Dom said he spent 10 minutes worrying he was having a brain haemorrhage.
When he finished worrying he was left with a taste of coins.

The second nose bleed happened today.
It wasn't as bad as last night's but Dom hadn't long said: "I've just had two cups of coffee on the head.
"If it appears that I'm having a stroke I might very well be having a stroke."

I had some freezing cold grapes from the market today.
Dom was one of only two people in the entire office who refused one.
Dom said he didn't want one because he hadn't had his dinner he also voiced some opinions that led me to believe he was boycotting the grape trend because everyone else likes them.

It's the same principle that has stopped him from watching Avatar.

The food that stopped him having a grape was some pasta from Tesco and a bag of prawn cocktail crisps.
Also spotted an empty bottle of juice in his bin.

Earlier today we talked about bands like Dragonforce.
Dom's thoughts provided me with the best test I've had in shorthand since college.

Word for word, he said...

"You can listen to them and you can appreciate that they are good at what they do, but at the end of the day they are grown men singing about wizards.
"The only thing worse than that are grown men who listen to grown men singing about wizards."

Ian asked would it make a difference if they were wizards.

"If a grown wizard sings about being a wizard then that's fine," Dom said.
"It's like with the NWA, they sing about guns and crime and that but they are from Compton."

A strange tension

Sorry about the blog delay - we've been busy today.
Me and Dom had to go to Tesco to report on something that you wouldn't believe if I wrote about it here.
I'll post a link to the story when it's online.

Dom had a bloomer, looked like it was from Gregg's.
Chief Food Monitor is off this week so I haven't been able to confirm this.

Dom saw a group on Facebook earlier about the opening to the old Fifa games that said: "EA Sports - It's in the game."
I told him that it doesn't say this anymore and Dom said he hasn't noticed because he's too busy saying it in his brain.

"I bet you could say EA Sports," to 99% of boys our age and they would say 'It's in the game'," he said.
"It's like when you hear 'maybe she's born with it'."

"Maybe she's Maybelline," I said.

"It's maybe it's Maybelline," Dom said.

I replied with: "Or like the McDonald's advert.
"Do, do, do do, do...."

No one said 'I'm loving it'

Dom told me I had created a 'strange tension' after a few seconds of silence.

Interesting fact about Dom.
Fifa isn't his football themed game of choice.
He much prefers Championship Manager.
Said he gets really into it and sometimes conducts post match interviews in his head.

If you think that's bad he once told me about a boy he'd heard about who actually went to get changed into a suit when he got his team through to the FA cup final.

Might have been the same guy we saw in Tesco today.... who knows?

Dom's small part

Dom had some chips and gravy at 12.05pm today.
"I'm going to get chips," he said.
"In fact, I'm going to get them now because it's five past dinner."

We also went to the pub where Dom ordered a bottle of Koppaberg.
I had a bottle of Tucher. It came in a big glass that made me feel a bit like the king. I took so long with it that Dom had another bottle of Koppaberg.

During our drinks we found out that Ian has been asked to send a picture of himself to his old school. They want him to write a few words about what he has acheived since leaving school to go with it to inspire current sixth form students.

This all sounds fine until you realise that Dom went to the same school.

When Dom heard the news he slammed his hand down on the table and made two of us jump.
He threatened to have a few more drinks before driving to the school to give them a piece of his mind.

He hasn't - yet.

I personally think Ian was always a little better in school - particularly in the school plays.
Just the other day we spent ages giggling at the fact that Ian had a big part in Oliver while Dom only managed to get a small part in Annie.

Rushing this because I'm leaving early

Went to Wetherspoon's today.
Dom ordered a gourmet burger, said he was hungry because he didn't have tea last night.
Probably because he rushed his Subway to get to the pub - I'm definitely not still bitter by the way.

Not at all.

When he was ordering they said they had ran out of onion rings.
He asked if they could offer him anything instead.

I said I couldn't understand how a man who won't use vouchers will barter for extra food. Dom said it wasn't bartering. He said I was stupid for not asking. On reflection I agree.

Dom said he would use vouchers but only on a scale of value vs dignity.



Yesterday a this was posted on the Facebook fan page.

"I mildly resent this blog as it only makes me wish someone in my office was as good as dom."

I just wanted to point out that....

1) Dom always sticks his wet finger in my ear when he walks past my desk
2) He always tries out karate moves in the office - today he tried a ridiculous splits move that he said would have taken out two of us.
3) He once spent the day inputting letters to the tune of 'she bangs the drums'

Belated Valentine's Day

As I write this I am wearing a red birthday or Christmas style hat but I am in no mood for celebration.
To explain this I will have to take you back to yesterday afternoon when Dom decided to lampoon me.
Dom spotted me going to the office toilet and decided to wait outside the toilet door. When I left he jumped out on me and made a scary noise.

It worked well but eyebrows were raised when we returned from the toilet corridor into the office together.
Particularly because Dom was sniggering and I was still a bit scared.

I thought the best way to put an end to any rumours that may have arisen after this episode was to buy Dom a Valentine's cracker.
I didn't know these existed until I saw them in Ethel Austin for £2.

When I got back to the office Dom had just finished his food from Subway.
He agreed to pull the cracker. It broke on his side and he won a red birthday or Christmas style hat, a teddy with a heart and what was described on the box as a 'motto'.

It was actually a bit of paper that read: "Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A:Forget me nuts"

This amused Dom for about eight to 11 seconds.

The joy was short lived as Dom left for a a pub visit - an unusual occurrence on a Wednesday.
I couldn't go because I have an appointment this afternoon.

So I'm left in the office with nothing but a cheap teddy, a broken cracker, a rubbish joke and a red birthday or Christmas style hat.

So this is what it feels like when doves cry....




Picture:Bob Prosser ©

Monks, monkeys and Jedward

Dom had a pot noodle today.
Said he was sick of only having the same old places to get his food from.

While he waited for it to cool we discussed the annoying things in life.
It started because Dom got held up at the self serve queue in Tesco by someone who decided to start a conversation with a friend at one of the machines after he had finished using it.
This led to us talking about drivers who stay in the over-taking lane when there's no over-taking to be done, people who take ages moving their car from the petrol station when you're stuck behind them and people who think it's fine to use more than one card at a cash point.
During our conversation I threw an empty bottle of coke in to a bin that was about four foot away.

I continued talking while struggling not to look chuffed.
Think I did ok.

Dom talked about living with monks earlier.
He said he would love it because his favourite things are working and praying - he was being sarcastic.
Said he would happily live with monk-eys because he could 'sit around all day eating bananas' while being 'groomed by monkeys'.

"It would be a dream come true," he said.

Dom stupidly got involved in an argument with three girls today who were all defending Jedward.

"You are allowed to think whatever you think," he said.
"But it is my job to advise you that you are wrong."

When asked why he couldn't just forget about it because while he doesn't like Jedward some people do, he replied: "No, because they exist and I'm aware that they exist.
"Sometimes I think about them and sometimes I have to see their faces."

A lesson in sausage ordering

Dom went to Gregg's back on Thursday, January 19 and had a baguette and a sausage roll.
Old Skool blog readers will know that at the time I wrote:

"Enjoyed his food but he did say the sausage roll was a bit too much for him - He won't learn though."

I was right.

Went to Gregg's again today and had some sandwiches and a sausage roll.

While he ate he complained that he always buys the sausage roll thinking the sandwiches won't be enough to fill him up, but he never wants it.
He refused to throw it away because of the waste of money and the orphans in Africa.

He ate it in the end.

When I came back in from town after getting my food Dom asked me if I happened to see the 'freaky family of mole people'.

Unfortunately I hadn't.

He described them as 'scary, violent chav moles' who had risen from the 'centre of the earth' for a 'look around town'.

Supernatural biscuit experience

We went to the Belle Vue for food today.
The Belle Vue is where I first started Dom's Food Diary.

It's more expensive than Wetherspoons so we only go there when we've been paid.
This means that we've technically had a month of Dom's Food Diary.

Today Dom had the Chicken Jalfrezi with half rice and half chips.

Seemed to enjoy it but it was clearly too much for him.

Dom told us a few supernatural stories while we ate. He's been getting into that sort of thing a lot recently. Today's was how he was reading a book and had a massive panic that Jesus might exist. Said it made him 'considerably more scared' than he had been in a long time.

He's fine about this now.

I blame his recent interest in the supernatural on those bloody 'mystery' biscuits I referred to a few blogs back.
Remember the ones he ate a whole pack of and then couldn't find to bring into the office?
Well he still hasn't found them and it's starting to become an issue.

"I must have had a supernatural biscuit experience," he said this morning.
"It's like when someone stays in a haunted house and hears noises all night and then when they wake up they see a cleaner and ask what the noise was.
"The cleaner tells them soemone was killed there 20 years ago.
"Later on when they tell someone else what the cleaner said they say 'there is no cleaner here'.
"This is the exact equivalent of that," Dom said.
"Only with biscuits," he added.

How do you feel about Hershey's chocolate?
Dom really isn't a fan.
"I was all excited about trying some because, you know, they're in films and that," he said.
"When I had some it was just like eating Cadbury's.
"Cadbury's that has been left in a drawer for eight months."


Thought I'd tell Dom an interesting fact the other day.
I found out that Joseph Fritzel locked his daughter in the basement two days before Dom was born.
I thought this put the whole thing in perspective - Dom misunderstood my intentions.

"What are you implying?" he said.

"Too pretty"

Dom tried something different from Wetherspoon's today.

"I always get really excited around this time on a Thursday," he said.
"I'm really hungry and I'm looking forward to something nice to eat and then I come in here and see the menu."

It's usually a BBQ chicken panini or a gourmet burger but today Dom opted for scampi and chips. I've never seen him eat this before.

About 10 minutes after his food arrived Dom was left with a big plate of scampi.

He had a reason for this.

"It's the rule," he said.
"If you know you can finish a meal you should leave the best bit until last.
"If you're not sure that you can definitely finish it you should eat the best bits first.
"It's like with Christmas dinner, you're never sure when you're going to have to duck out so you eat all the best bits first."

Had a conversation about scams while we ate today.
Dom said he wouldn't be very good at pulling one off.
Says he gets a 'rush of blood to the head' between the till and the door in Asda if the cashier forgets to scan something.

"It's all fine when you get to the car park," he said.

He also said he's been tempted to scam a supermarket since they introduced those self scan machines. He came up with a brilliant idea of entering the wrong product after you've weighed the food.
Said you could buy expensive fruits and veg but always click potatoes.
Sounds good in theory but he's too scared to trial this method.

"That's the problem with me," Dom said.
"I've got a brilliant criminal mind but I'm too scared about spending time in prison."

Kelly said that she didn't think Dom would do very well in prison.
Dom agreed.

"You're right," he said.
"I'm too pretty."

Inside Information

Exciting thing happened to me today.

I went to Subway at around 12.15pm. I ordered my food and took a seat.
I heard the door open and by amazing coincidence it was Dom.
I was sat with my back to him and he didn't see me.

He'd obviously waited for me to leave the office before getting his food - again.

His plan back-fired this time as I managed to take down his entire order - secret agent style.

He asked for a Turkey and Ham sub on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.
He then controversially added that he wanted it toasted and with cheese without waiting to be asked*.
I was inspired by this as I always ask for the sub and the bread and then answer the mundane cheese, extra cheese, toasted questionnaire like an idiot.

Feel free to use Dom's technique yourselves - I know I will.

When his sub had finished toasting he requested some green peppers and pickles at the salad part.
He paused before adding olives to his order.

He asked for some deli mustard in the final stage of the sandwich making process before leaving for the office where he ate his sub before I got back.

Don't think I missed much.

Turkey and Ham is the 'Sub of the Day' on a Wednesday.
My Food Monitors tell me that while Dom ate his he recited five of the seven 'Subs of the Day' off by heart.

"Sometimes I amaze myself," he said.

He also had a 'mustard incident' but I'm ashamed to admit I haven't been able to follow this up.

A quick question

Ever written on the sole of your slipper with a biro?

Dom has. He loves it. He says the only thing that tops it is writing with a biro on the skin of a banana.

"It's one of life's great pleasures," he said.

He's right too - I strongly recommend that you do if you haven't already.

Let me know how you get on.

*Apparently this didn't happen. Dom liked the idea but insisted he didn't say it.

"Accuracy," he said.
"I could stick with this and it would make myself look quite good.
"But it didn't happen, it's wrong and that's the main thing."

Pasty nutrition

I got called out of the office today moments before Dom left for food.
I had to resort to e-mailing the other members of staff to find out what Dom had to eat.

When I first thought about everyone responding with what Dom had to eat from their respective vantage points I thought it would be unique and interesting, you know like that movie... Spaceballs.
But instead it was eventless and boring, like that movie Vantage Point.

"Don't know," Ian replied. "He got it late."

"A pasty," Sam said.
"No idea what was in it though.
"He almost dropped it at one point - Kel said she saw the horror in his eyes."

Kelly replied with: "Well it looked like he almost dropped it but he denied it and said he just needs to bend right over it cos it gets messy."

Dom's always had a thing for Gregg's pasties. More so when he returned from Newcastle. He particularly liked the sausage and bean melt.
He said they contained the four major food groups.

1)Meat
2)Veg
3)Stodge
4)Runny*

Dom also revealed that he had a disappointing Burger King on the weekend.
Said it was the first time it had happened to him.

He said the burger was 'alright fundamentally' but it had too much onion and a 3" layer of cheese.

"I ended up having a bit of meat, some crunchy onion and a lot of dry cheese," he said.
"I had to give up and I've never done that before.
"The moral of that story is... don't have one of those," he added.

Dom said that he heard something exciting yesterday and he couldn't wait until today so he could tell me. Apologies in advance to the person concerned but this is way too good to leave out of the blog.

Turns out our friend Rob discovered that candle wax had melted into his pants draw.
He was shocked to discover that five pairs of his pants had 'fused' together.
In typical Rob fashion the first solution that came to mind was to put them, and this is honestly the truth, in a frying pan.
He managed to save four pairs but one caught fire in his kitchen.

He broke the news with a status update that read 'Rob just set fire to his kegs!'

While describing the incident in a comment he wrote: "Bizarrre as it sounds....discovering that wax from a candle had dripped into my smalls draw and deciding the solution to the resulting 5 pair boxer fusion was to put them in a frying pan over the cooker to melt the wax away. 4 survived but alas one combusted, leaving me with a somewhat embarassed smoke-engulfed face!"

I think I've found the guest cameo for this blog when Dom takes a week off.

*Courtesy of Rhys Griffiths

An educated guess

Dom's off work today.

It's the first time he's been off since the blog started so this presented its share of problems.
We discussed some ways of keeping the blog going. Choosing a random colleague to star in a 'blog cameo' was one idea. I might save that for Dom's week off.

I decided to take a look back through the blog and take an educated guess as to what Dom would have had if he was in. (See pie charts for full results below.)
According to my statistics he would have opted for Tesco or Subway.
Subway wins if you take evry day into account, Tesco wins if you just count his Monday food choices.

Food choices since blog started


Food choices on Mondays


I think it is fair to assume Tesco would have won. If you're interested it would have been a toss up between a chicken and pasta pot and an unitentionally themed seafood lunch.

The reason Dom is off work is because he worked a Sunday shift last night.
I know he spent some time looking at pictures of this.



Dom wasn't fussed.

"God that's weird," he said.
"For some reason I find it slightly sinister.
"I can barely relax knowing it's out there in the world somewhere, never mind in my house.
"It's just so....big.
"It is sort of cute but it looks like it could overpower me in a fight if push came to shove."

Dom changed his mind after seeing this picture.


"I would quite like to wrestle with him," he said.
"I quite like his face in one photo.
"I could definitely befriend that guy."

Soul features and a chip roll

Dom's very tired today.
Said he's had a 'ridiculous amount of late nights' that have left him feeling 'concussed'.

Hoping to win the Euromillions with our syndicate tonight.
Being as optimistic as ever Dom said: "We're never going to win and the sooner you realise that the better."

Kelly said he won't get any winnings if he keeps up that attitude.

"You can't do that to me," Dom said.
"Imagine my sad little face.
"You'd be sat in the warm drinking with your top hats and my sad little urchin face would be in the window."

While Kelly was talking about the numbers that have the least chance of coming up in the draw a logical Dom said: "My soul just did this" and put his face in his hands.
Kelly said that souls don't have a face or hands.
Dom said: "They do because mine just did this." And put his face in his hands again.

Kelly gave up.

Dom had some curry over a chip roll. Smelt nice.
Got some curry on his sleeve though and said: "Could this day get any worse?!?"

At first this seems a bit like an over reaction but seconds before he had been talking about going bald and I think it all got on top of him.

The thought of going bald petrifies Dom.

"If I go bald, that's it," he said at the time.
"I mean it, that will literally be it.
"I'll quit my job and go and live in a hovel."

I don't know what he's worried about.

"Some fur for the purchase"

Dom had a chicken club baguette from Gregg's today.
Also had a pint of Guinness in the pub a bit later.
Said he only opted for Guinness because he had already eaten.
Said he would have asked for a different drink if he was eating because Guinness is 'like a meal in itself'.

Yesterday we discussed Gordon Brown swapping his Kit-Kats for bananas and E4 deciding to stop airing episodes of friends.
Dom's respective thoughts on these subjects were...

1) "Kit-Kats win because you can't dunk a banana in your tea - well you could - but I wouldn't.

2) "How are they going to fill 12 hours of TV a day?"

Dom said the Summer of Bueno shouldn't have been described as a childhood memory in yesterday's blog.
Said he was 18 or 19.
We agreed kidulthood would have been more appropriate.

Dom told us some more stories from his childhood/kidulthood today.

They were:

Purposely doing bad on an eye test because he wanted glasses.
Choosing a green pair of glasses for his first pair that came with attachable sun visors.
Having a ridiculous amount of haircuts that included a mohawk, a blue bob and Kurt Cobain style bleached long hair.
Also said he had a stud in 'whichever ear wasn't the gay one'.

On the subject of glasses Dom revealed his one eye is -3.75. He reckons that if you get to -6 you get a blue badge for your car.

"That's what I'm aiming for," he said with his fingers crosses.

Also came up with a solution for drivers who are short sighted - prescription windscreens and mirrors.

I don't think this will catch on.


He also told everyone about the day me and Dom spent trying to get a pet wasp.
We caught one, put it in the fridge, waited for it to fall into a 'coma' then attempted to tie string around it.
We repeated this process several times without any success.

Dom has come up with a reason for this.

"We should have used a bee," he said.
"The wasp was too slender, he was too sleek.
"We needed some fur for the purchase."